


Out Like A Light

by weetabixcrispyminis



Series: Out Like A Light [1]
Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Alternate Universe - Dead Jake Dillinger, Angst, Comments appreciated, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, Jake is trying to comfort him, M/M, Originally Posted on Wattpad, Rich is super guilty, Semi-graphic violence, richjake
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-31
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 20:26:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,987
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29106312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/weetabixcrispyminis/pseuds/weetabixcrispyminis
Summary: in an AU where Jake died saving Rich from the fire, Rich finds himself struggling with everyday life. he misses his late best friend, and turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms - all the while, Jake is trying to contact him from the beyond. I aspire to be the next Dear Starboy.
Relationships: Dustin Kropp/Michael Mell, Jake Dillinger/Rich Goranski
Series: Out Like A Light [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2135583
Comments: 9
Kudos: 7





	1. back in school

Rich sat up with a groan, his alarm wailing annoyingly at him. he reaches over and slams his fist down to turn it off, getting out of bed so he could shamble loosely to the bathroom. he had been discharged from the hospital a couple of weeks ago, now he had been put on anti-depressants and had to go back to school. he caught his reflection in the mirror, and god did he look like shit. covered in burns, bags under his eyes, faded dye. he was blind in one eye too, thanks to the fire. Rich frowns at himself, grabbing his toothbrush and the toothpaste. if Jake saw him now... he sighs and starts brushing his teeth, using his free hand to move some hair out of his face. the morning dragged on more than usual, him eventually getting dressed into what is the most basic outfit ever. black sweatpants. black shirt. black trainers. Jake's varsity jacket. if Rich concentrated hard enough he could still smell his taller friend, and he finds a strange comfort in that.

_'come on dude, you can do better than that!'_

Rich flinched at the familiar chuckle and shook his head. Jake isn't here. he hasn't been for months. he left his house, half expecting Jake's car to be there. but of course, it wasn't. he decided he'd walk, school's only fifteen minutes away and the bus is dirty. Rich slouches, not bothering to pick his feet up as he walks down the grim street. it was cloudy, probably gonna rain later. the sky was a dark grey, with hints of lighter greys hiding in there. the trees looked dead despite being leafy and full. the world always looked brighter with Jake. Rich now knows he took their closeness for granted. he knows everything about Jake, but Jake only knew the lies he was told. nothing could be done about that anymore. he wasn't paying attention to where he was going, nearly getting ran over mid-thought. he flips off the driver before shoving his hands into Jake's pockets, grumbling. what felt like hours went by before he finally reached the school, pulling the hood of the jacket over his head. he noticed the aglets of the hood's strings were chewed up, causing him to smile fondly. that was always a nervous tic of Jake's.

everyone was staring at him. whispers arose, a lot of which Rich could make out to be about the fire. he pulls a face and keeps walking, spotting Brooke. he wanted to speak to her, say something. she's his second closest friend. but he couldn't find the words. he just kept walking aimlessly around the building until the bell rang, him dragging himself down the hallway and ending up at his class just after everyone else. something looked off about the room. he narrowed his eyes and sure enough, something was hugely off. Rich sneers at the newbie, leaning over their desk. "exthc-" he pinches himself. "excuse me." 

"what?" they look up from their phone and seem disgusted at the hot mess that Rich is.

"you're in Jake's seat." Rich stated, but the new kid didn't move. 

"who's Jake?"

"who's J-- _who's Jake?_ who is he?" Rich furrows his brows. "listen up, newbie-" he gets cut off by the teacher telling him to sit down, though defending Jake's seat is more important than anything that old cow has to say. "Jake Dillinger. literally went to every club? huge dork? he practically ran this shithole!"

"language, mister Goranski" the teacher grimaces. but Rich ignores her.

this kid must be delusional, thinking he can talk to them this way. "no. you listen to me, short cake." they huff out at Rich, checking their nails. "your friend, I bet he was just some asshole jock anyway."

the teacher sighs and writes something on a piece of paper, probably a detention slip for the two of them.

Rich has never looked more offended in his life. Jake wasn't the asshole. Jake was too good. Rich is the asshole, always has been. even to Jake, regretfully. "you take that back." he growls.

the new kid stands up, towering over Rich. everyone turned to watch, and before anyone knew it Rich was knocked to the ground. they all gasped, an excited buzz filling the room. no one had dared to punch Rich before. and definitely not in the face.

Rich grabbed his jaw, hissing and wincing in pain. he pulled himself to stand, pointing his finger at the new kid. "lithten up you bathtard-" he lisps, grabbing the newbie by their shirt and throwing them to the ground. "you know nothing about Jake. do not let me catch you shit talking him ever again." and just like that, he left the classroom. leaving both his teacher and peers in shock. the new kid punched Rich and got floored. he escaped to the bathroom, locking himself in a cubicle and curling up in the corner.

_'fuck, Rich. shit. you good, man?'_

his breath hitched, burying his head in his hands. Jake isn't here. Rich dug his nails into his scalp, shutting his eyes tight. Jake isn't here. he pulled his knees up to his chest. Jake isn't here. Jake isn't here. a pathetic sob left Rich's throat, his stomach sank and his heart felt heavy. it was all his fault. if he hadn't been such a bitch, Jake would still be here. his hands formed into fists, now he's tugging at his hair. god, he's so stupid. it's his fault, it's all his fault. it should've been him. Jake wasn't supposed to get hurt. all his fault. all his fault. all his fault. he breathes out shakily. Rich knows that if Jake saw him now, he wouldn't be proud of who he's become. he's fine. he's fine. everything is-

 _burning. it hurts. everything hurts. there's a voice. Jake? he reaches out and grabs at something. fabric. he felt someone pick him up. warm. nice warm. good warm. he leans into the person's chest, coughing and spluttering. new feeling. cold. outside. shivering. he opens his eyes, Jake. Jake is holding him, now unconcious. he calls out for help. no one comes. no one comes. he shakes Jake. nothing. no reaction. panic. angry. Jake? he checks his taller freind's pulse. gone. gone. gone. gone. no. can't be true. Jake? Jake? Jake?_

Rich let out another sob, covering his mouth. he always wondered what people meant by 'you never know you love someone until you lose them' but now he knows. now he knows. a tear rolled down his cheek, causing him to griamce. boys shouldn't cry. but he couldn't help it. he feels helpless. what else can he do? maybe he'll visit Jake after school, that always makes him feel better. Rich wasn't at the funeral, and it eats him up inside. at least he got to say goodbye. someone walked in. Rich froze. no one can know that Richard Goranski has emotions. he chews his hand to shut up his whimpers and sniffles, listening out for when this person leaves. this is a risky game. he could be found out. he'd be the laughing stock of the school again. he pulls himself together and slams the cubicle door open, about to beat someone just to feel better about himself. then he realises it's Jeremy and relaxes before flashing the lanky teen a sad smile, going to the sink. he turns the tap on and splashes his face, letting the cold water ground him in reality once more. he looks at himself in the mirror, proceeding to sort his hair out.

Jeremy walks to the sink next to him, washing his hands. "h, hey, Rich."

"hey Jeremy.." Rich sighs and glances over at Jeremy before turning back, facing his reflection again. he swore he could see Jake staring back at him, and he looks.. worried? Rich craned his neck, looking over his shoulder. no Jake. a frown crept onto his lips. "thee-" he pinches himself again. "see you around, Heere."

"yeah. see you, Rich."

with another sigh, Rich left the bathroom. he isn't going back to class, not after the scene he caused. instead he went outside and lay down in the school's playing field. he would come here with Jake during break and kick a ball. he's going to miss that. he looks up at the colourless sky, twiddling his thumbs. if only Jake was here. they'd be talking about getting pizza later if he was. Rich just felt empty. life isn't the same without the man, it's boring and lonely and more frightening than Rich could ever have previously imagined. he thought his life was bad in freshman year? look at him now. he has no one. again. well, there's always the rest of the squad, but Rich can't tell if they're even his friends anymore. Brooke, maybe. but Chloe? Jenna? probably not. he's knows Jeremy and Michael won't stick around either. though, he's unsure about Christine. she might just be too nice to say something. Rich strokes his hand through the grass, humming a tune to himself. it was soft and medolic, calming. he stays as it starts spitting, rain gently pitter pattering against him. he let it pour down on himself, zipping up Jake's jacket and putting the hood on again, closing his eyes. he always found rain calming, and he knew there's some science behind it. something about depression and negitively charged ions, or something like that anyway. science is for losers, and Rich isn't a...... well, he certainly is now. he continues his humming, letting himself try to enjoy the moment. his head buzzed with a thousand words, him bringing his hands to his face and groaning. the lack of Jake was wearing his happiness thin. he thinks he'll just lie here for a while.


	2. wake me up when september ends

_**BAM.**_ Rich was slammed against the wall, dropping his lunch tray. "watch it, athhole." he growls out, not bothering to hide his lisp. looking up at his attacker, he narrowed his eyes. it was the new kid. of course it was. still angry about this moring, he guesses. pathetic. he rolls up the sleeves of Jake's jacket, standing, not breaking the cold eye contact. new kid probably thinks Rich is a target, well not any-fucking-more. he swings his arm, his fist connecting to new kid's cheek. they stumble backwards, kicking Rich in the side. he hisses as he falls to the ground, quickly pulling himself back up. before Rich knew it, he was on the ground again. this felt wrong. his eyes were watering. what was it? what was wrong? he reaches up and touches his face. warm. bad warm. bleeding. his nose is broken. shit.

Rich scrambled to the corner. he's weak, and everyone knows it. he's vunerable, and everyone can see. Rich isn't used to this. he presses himself against the wall, arching his back to lift himself. he charged at the new kid, knocking them over. his knee presses into their chest, a constant blunder of fists in their face. Rich couldn't tell if they were unconcsious or not. he doesn't care. he's doing this for Jake. he'd do anything for Jake. he was pulled off of the new kid, kicking his legs and shouting. "let go of me- _let go of me-"_ he shrugs his shoulder backwards, breaking free and leaping to the new kid again. he got them square in the face, his fist rocketing into their eye. they gasped, reaching up and trying to push Rich away. they definitely regret hitting him now.

"Rich, c'mon, you've done enough.." the speaker pats Rich on the back gently, pulling him away once more.

Rich looks up to see Dustin Kropp. he hesitated before nodding, pushing past Dustin and taking himself to the nurse's office with his hand clutched over his nose, huffing. first day back and he's already fucked up, badly. he slumps over in his seat, waiting to be called in. he's definitely going to be sent home. what will his dad say to him? what will his dad do to him? Rich shuddered just thinking about it, putting his head in his hands. god, he wishes Jake was here. Jake always had a way to make everything better. Rich pauses. is someone watching him? he feels like someone is watching him. he lifts his head, looking around. no one is there. strange. "the fuck...?" Rich huddles into Jake's jacket just as his name was called. he trudges into the room, uncovering his nose.

"ooh, yeah. let me have a closer look." she grimaced, gently pressing her fingers to his nose, pulling away when he winced. "I just have to pop this bad boy back into place, it's not broken, actually. s'only been knocked to the side."

Rich nodded slightly, staying still as the nurse shoves his nose back into place. he fought the urge to swear, hissing in pain.

she bandaged it up. "better?"

"better, thanks." Rich affirms, being handed an ice pack. he holds it to his nose. after a while, he was dismissed from the nurse's office, him returning to the bathroom.

Rich looks at himself in the mirror and frowns. is this really what his life has come to? getting in fights over his dead best friend? who's he kidding, himself? Jake was never really his friend, Rich knows that. he was more of a stepping stone. but he was such a wonderful stepping stone, and Rich can't help but want to see him again. he scrunches up his face, reaching into his pocket to get his phone. that's when he felt it. cold. consentrated onto his shoulder. it felt oddly human. he turns to see if somebody was behind him, but there was nobody. with a sigh, he goes to lean against the wall. he did not think he'd be spending today like this, but we all never expect anything to happen, really. he groans, running a hand through his hair. he wishes Jake were here. Jake always made it better. always. he sinks to the floor, he's pretty sure he's hallucinating this - but someone else's eyes is looking back up at him on the grubby floor's reflection. he shudders. today has been shit. he'll have a little pick-me-up later. though, he had just got out of the hospital and he knows his dad has trashed his bong. that leaves one option. Dustin. he was nice to him earlier, surely he wouldn't be opposed to helping him out some more. plus, he's sure he can afford some something-something. it makes no difference to him, anyway. relief is relief, and he certainly needs it.


	3. a line allows progress, a circle does not

at the end of the school day Rich tracked Dustin down, grabbing him by the shoulder and giving him quite a scare.

"Rich for fuck's sa-" Dustin pauses, looking over his shorter friend. he notices the tiredness on his face and slight tremble. he knows why Rich stopped him immediately. "follow me." he mutters, using his shoulder to gesture the way before walking.

Rich nods, joining him. he plays with the strings of Jake's jacket, a fond smile gracing his face as he feels the old chew marks. he's glad the jacket wasn't damaged in the fire. he stops and continues in time with his childhood friend, and they eventually end up at Michael's house.

Dustin unlocks the door, announcing his presence and making his way to the basement with Rich following shortly behind. he opens a drawer, then looks at Rich. "same as freshman year?" he asks gently, already his hand reaching for the ziplock bag. "half the usual price, for you." 

"yeah," Rich nods once more, getting his wallet from Jake's pocket.

_'bad idea.'_

Rich shakes what he deems to be an auditory hallucination away, handing the money to Dustin in exchange for a bag of white powder. "thankth, man."

"don't even worry about it." Dustin was quiet for a while, watching Rich pocket the speed and his wallet. he guides him to the beanbags. "what's on your mind? is it.. him?" he asks, not knowing if Rich would react badly to Jake's name being said.

"I mean.. I gueth? I don't really wanna.. talk? about it."

"oh, right. of course. yeah." Dustin fidgets, offering Rich a diet pepsi. which he accepts.

"thankth." Rich mutters, popping the can open and sipping the brown fizz. he blinks sleepily.

"soo" Dustin searches for a topic, not finding anything positive to talk about. "how was, the hospital?"

"good." he says plainly, sipping his coke again. it seems he doesn't want to talk about that either.

Dustin stays quiet, getting himself a pepsi too. this is awkard. he looks back up at Rich, who was staring at his reflection in the can. he frowns, knowing Rich's bad history with his appearance. the scars probably aren't helping. "you alright, bud?"

Rich chews his lip. "jutht, you know."

"yeah."

"I should go."

"yeah... you want me to walk you to the door?"

"no, no I can."

"yeah. uh, bye Rich."

Rich smiles fondly. "bye Duthtin." he walks back up the stairs and out of Michael's, sipping his pepsi. he palms his pocket to make sure everything is there before catching the bus towards the cemetery where Jake rests.

the bus ride is quite nice actually, he sits at the back and watches the trees and houses go by, sipping his pepsi all the while. he listens to no music, just the hustle and bustle of the bus. it's quite nice actually. and he soon gets off.

the gates of the cematary are large and imposing, and open up into the rather monotone lands behind it. dark browns and cold greys invite Rich to join them, him gulping.

Rich walks though the gates, wandering aimlessly until he finds Jake. he seems to break, sitting by the new grave and crossing his legs. "hey, Jake..." he mutters, resting his hand on the tombstone and smiling sadly. his eyes water. "it'th been... a while, hathn't it?" a chuckle escapes him before he goes silent again. he reads the enscription of the grave, tracing the letters with his fingers.

_Jacob Ian Dillinger_

_1999 - 2015_

_gone but never forgotten_

"gone but never forgotten..." Rich repeats, a few tears falling down his face. he sniffles, wiping them away. "thorry, thorry... I shouldn't cry.." he chuckles again, his arms falling to his sides. "I'm thorry, I'm tho.. I'm tho thorry, Jake... I..." he shakes his head, the can in his hand crumpling up. he forces a smile. "how are you...? I know, you, you're uh..." he's silent for a while again. "I mith you, mr perfect.." he uses the joking nickname he had so many times when Jake was... "I'm thorry, I'm making thith awkward. aren't I? heh.. you alwayth knew how to lead a converthation, Jake. you were brilliant... you are brilliant." he brushes his hand over the fresh dirt, it bringing some strange comfort to know Jake is directly six feet below. "remember, old timeth? when, when we'd, ahah, get drunk and, and I'd.. I'd.. play with your hair.. your, your thoft hair.. and.." his fingers comb through the soil, him choking up. "I mith you...." more tears fall, hitting the grass below. "you and your thtupid cologne.. your thupid fucking... I shouldn't thpeak ill of the dead.." he sniffs, his eyes scanning the grave. "I thee you've got thome pretty flowerth there.. you.. you alwayth uthed to tell me how thunflowerth were your favourite.. but thethe are all tulipth and rotheth.." he picks up a tulip before putting it down again. "I'll bring you thome thunflowerth.. I promithe.."

he feels a cold spot on his shoulder, him questioning if ghosts are real. he thinks for a moment. "Jake? if that'th you, uh.. touch my fathe?" the cold spot moves to Rich's cheek, him forgetting to breathe out of shock. "hi Jake.." he manages, placing his hand above the cold spot. he'd rather belive it really is his late best friend than a coincidence. wouldn't that be nice? if it really was him. "thith ith really gay.." he snickers sadly, feeling the cold spot move around his cheek as if a thumb was rubbing circles into his face. "it really ith you, ithn't it...?" he blinks the tears away, nodding. "fuck, I'm thorry. I shouldn't cry. I shouldn't cry. but.... fuck, Jake. I mithed you a lot. I really did.. I really..." he yawns, exhaustion finally blanketing him. he just got here. he can't leave. he can't leave. he moves his hand, tilting his head into the cold spot. "you're tho nithe, Jake. all the time. how do you do it? how did you do it? you were nithe to everyone.. you were nithe to me, even though I wath a fucking athhole. I... you're a good guy, Jake.. never change.. of courthe, you can't. you're... you're.. y'know..."

the cold spot grows to his whole body, him welling up again. "you hugging me, huh Dillinger?" Rich feels more tears fall, crying softly. he's freezing, but this is the most warmth he's felt in a while. "thank you... thank you, Jake.. you can let go now.. I'm okay..." the cold spot leaves, it only lingering on his hands. he lifts them slightly so it's easier for Jake. "you're thuch a thoftie." he laughs a little, noticing somebody else walk into the cematary. he quickly pulls his hands back so he doesn't look strange. "thorry, Jake." he wipes away his tears, looking down at his wet sleeves. "aw, man.. I'm ruining your letterman.. thorry.."


	4. What Do They Know?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw f slur,, drug use

Rich was shocked. he would occasionally wave his arms and wait for Jake to touch him again. it was like a fun little game. he hadn't stopped crying though, they're just happy tears now. but then it comes crashing down all over again when he remembers there's no real way to communicate with him. he sniffles, standing and rubbing the tombstone before saying his goodbyes and shambling away. he feels the coldness follow, and a smile tugs at his lips. "you coming home with me then, Jake?" he whispers, watching other people walk by him. his hand subconsciously reaches towards the cold, him making his way to the bus stop. it was sort of nice, really, having Jake here. his presence is calming.

once on the bus, Rich picked a window seat and slouched back into the chair, shivering with cold from Jake's prolonged presence. he buries himself in Jake's letterman, bringing one arm up into his sleeve and leaving the other so he can hold Jake's hand. or, at least, he hopes that's his hand. he smiles to himself again, it's somewhat of a sad one, but it's a smile. the air around him is like ice: he can see his own breath. a little snicker parts from his lips, watching the world through the window as the bus moves. his smile quickly fades as he remembers what Jake's final moments were, how it was his fault. his breath fogs up the window, him writing Jake's name in it. his shoulders go cold, him leaning into it. he's such an idiot. he let this happen. he let Jake- he shakes his head in frustration, his brows furrowing as he wipes Jake's name from the window, crossing his arms and looking out of it. he's fucked up big time. he really has.

the bus ride home was mediocre, and Jake had held his hand the entire way (which Rich greatly appreciated). when he had to get off, Rich fretted that Jake would leave him, but that did't seem to be the case. Jake kept hold of the shorter male's hand all the way to his house and up to his bedroom, and Rich felt all fuzzy. "I have to let go now, Jake. I have to tidy my room." Rich frowns a little as he felt the cold unwrap his stubby hand. "uh, you can thit on the bed, I gueth. ahah. you've never really been in here before, huh? make yourthelf comfy them. if you can... thorry." he grimaces, setting his bag down and taking off his shoes. "ith there any way you can talk to me? I know you can move thingth, right? if I gave you a pen and paper could you- probably not- no- I'm being thilly. thorry. thorry." Rich gets about to tidying up his room, embarrassed that Jake is seeing this on practically his first visit. really all he does is stuff things in corners because he's tired and he wants to spend more time with Jake. "I wish I could talk to you properly, Jake. that would be tho cool..."

"I probably thound really thtupid right now. you're probably not even here. I'm probably imagining you- I'm tho thtupid- I can't do this Jake I can't-" Rich felt the coldness of Jake wrap around him again, and he sniffles. "thorry. thorry, yeah. you're real. I know. I'm thorry." Rich stands still in the cold presence of what he wishes was his lover, then he paused. that was his dad coming upstairs. did he hear him talking? fuck fuck he might find out he's a stupid little fag with stupid fucking faggoty thoughts about his dead best friend who for _some reason_ has come back from the fucking dead to haunt him or something? make him feel worse?? fuck. Rich starts spiraling. his slinks to the floor, burying his face in his hands. a brief relief fills him when he hears the bathroom door open, close and lock - him trying to compose himself. but he's already let the tears flow. he wishes Jake could hold him. he'd love that. he wants to go back to those days he and Jake would get drunk and wake up in eachother's arms and giggle tipsily and reach for more beer. he remembers kissing him once. his lips were cracked but he didn't mind. Jake was in his lap with his legs wrapped around his waist and they were both as mellow as melons, pawing at eachother's backs and desperately trying to get closer to eachother. Rich hics, choking back a massive sob. he feels the cold on him again, and he wan't contain is wavering cries. he misses the warmth he feels whenever he saw Jake beam. his smile never failed to light up a room and oh god is Jake so beautiful and he missed him so much oh god he misses him so much he misses Jake he can't do this he misses Jake he misses him he needs to see him again he needs to- no. calm down, Rich. he needs a little something. yeah, just a little pick-me-up. god he hates that Jake is gonna have to watch this.

Rich takes the little baggie out from his backpack, and carefully pours some of the powder between the lines of his house key, quickly hiding the bag again before carefully hiking the key up to his nose and snorting. he shudders, twitching a few times and becoming a little more aware of his surroundings. he lies against the side of his bed, sat on the floor still, head tilted up. he's so incredibly alone. it's worse than freshman year because he knows he isn't but he is so so _so_ alone. Jake can't really be there, and now he's finally seeing the real Rich. a self-pitying addict with a broken family and a messy house. he feels disgusted with himself, ashamed. why did it have to be Jake. Jake didn't deserve to go. it should've been him. it didn't have to be Jake- Rich was getting choked up again like an idiot. a fucking faggy idiot with faggy thoughts about someone who's dead and is probably only here for platonic support. but they kissed- no, Jake was drunk. it was a nice kiss.... Jake wouldn't do that sober. he's straight, right? Jake's straight, he could never love an asshole like Rich even if he wasn't. Rich curls up, digging his nails into his scalp like he had done earlier that day and trying his best to contain his sobs. Jake could never love him. he burnt doen Jake's house, he killed him, he-

_smoke. it smelt horrible. gasoline lit on fire surrounding him. his sobs catching on smoke. smothering. choking. he can't breathe. why is he doing this? Jake will hate him. idiot. idiot. idiot. fuck. hot. it burns. flames everywhere. shouting, screaming in the distance. his fault. his fault. all his fault. he doesn't deserve to make it out of this. he's horrible. everyone hates him anyway._

Rich breathes in a ragged breath, having his eyes shut tight and feeling so embarrassed that Jake is seeing how weak he is. he's a fucking baby and everyone knows it. even Jake does and he doesn't want to admit it. fucking asshole. Rich is an asshole. you shouldn't give him the time of day, he'll use you all up and leave you whenever he wants because he's a fucing dick. Rich deserves this. he deserves every second of this. this must be hell. it has to be. torturing him with the one he loves barely in his grasp. he fucking hates it. he fucking hates this. he can't do it anymore. he has to see Jake. he has to see Jake.

Rich has an idea.


	5. Spiral Of Ants

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I need to post something. I'll update this later

the next day, Rich was oddly happy. he woke up grinning and knew that Jake had stayed overnight - he had left a little message on the mirror in his room. he knew it was Jake, it was Jake's handwriting. no cursive, but very flowy. he sits up, looking around his room for where Jake might be, his happiness wavering quickly into panic until he felt the cold of Jake on his hands. his smile returns. "hey Jake..." he whispers, wishing he could really hold his hands. maybe they could kiss again, like they used to, but sober and intentional and- no. it's stupid to think about. Rich knows that that's impossible. he realises he never changed into his pyjamas last night, and groans. filthy fucking idiot. he gets out of bed, shuffling over to the mirror to read the message more closely.

_hi Richie !!!!! I hope you're feeling better now I know you were upset last night :( was it my fault?_

"no, no it wathn't your fault, I promithe." Rich frowns, wiping the message off the mirror and spinning back around, replacing his grin incase Jake is watching. he searches for clothes for today, making sure the colours would go well with Jake's letterman. the red and white jacket brings him so much comfort he cannot bear to separate from it. it still smells like Jake, and sometimes he finds some of Jake's hair in it. he hesitates to take the letterman off, not wanting to part with it. he knows he'll put it back on in a minute, but what if it stops smelling of Jake? what if it disappears when he puts it down? he can't take it off. he cant.

Rich sighs, deciding to only change his socks, pants and underwear. he can't take the letterman off. it would cause him too much pain. he does exactly that: sprays himself with a little deodorant, keeps the letterman on and combs his hair. a weak smile forms on his lips - proud at how he cheated the system. "how'd I look, Jake?" he asks, feeling a cold spot on each cheek. he takes that as aproval. "thank you." his smile grows, and then he feels the cold on his lips. is Jake kissing him? holy shit. holy shit holy shit holy shit holyshitholyshit _holyshitholyshit_. Jake is kissing him. this is amazing. when the cold leaves, Rich is dazed for a moment. "wath that a kith?" he finally murmurs, bringing his hand up to his lips and chuckling. "I'm flattered. thank you...." his face heats up. fuck. he's blushing for Jake. he wants to kiss him again. properly. hold him in his arms and kiss his face all over and just be with him. not like how he is now. but properly, when Jake was alive. when Jake was... no, he shouldn't dwell on it. he's being silly. but he misses him

Rich picks up his bag and slings it over his shoulder, weariness washing over him immediately. school. he couldn't be bothered to do work today, but he has a plan. it'll be over soon and at the end of the day he can finally relax. he lets himself relax, reaching out for Jake's hand until he felt it and made his way out of his house, secretly holding on to his deceased friend. the walk didn't take long today, Rich was happy enough to not drag his feet and mope - and at least it meant his day would go quicker so he could finish his plan by about 5pm. the building itself even looked less gloomy to him, which was a surprise. the usual shitty grey and boring brown of the brick and stone exterior looked alive and healthy, and he almost wanted to run his hands over it and really _feel_ the texture. he would look like a weirdo though, so he kept his mitts to himself and Jake, bracing himself and entering.

it was empty, as expected. the hallway was occasionally littered with other students who came a bit too early, and Rich found comfort in the peace. he continued forwards, reaching the staircase and sitting on the bottom step as if he were a naughty child. but he wasn't. he felt great, taking his phone out and looking at his lockscreen affectionately. it was him and Jake, platonically obviously. not like they could've been anything else under the reign of that computer bastard. but they had moments.... the picture was of the two of them at Sbarro's: Jake's favourite restaurant. Rich knew why, and it upset him. it's not like he could fix that anyway, especially not now. a smile spreads across his face at the memory before he unlocks his phone and goes into his notes app. he'd look weird talking to Jake out loud, and he can't think at him like he did when he was still squipped. so he wrote out what he wanted to ask Jake. he knew he wouldn't get an immediate response, he might not get one at all. he doesn't even know if this is actually Jake or, if it is him, is he reading what Rich is writing?

are you here because of me? do you have unfinished business or is that a myth or. are you here for a reason?

Rich waited for a while, sat there on the step and wondering. until he felt poking on him, and wrote another question.

is this you saying you're here for me?

the poking continued, becoming more firm. Rich took this as a yes, and a giggly grin spread across his face - this drew attention to him but he didn't mind. Jake made him so happy. it was unreal. he outstretched a hand towards the cold mist of Jake, and his smile wavered to wobbly and loving. he was in love with Jake. he needed to see him again. he has to. then, he got another idea. ghosts show up on cameras, right? if he took a picture could he see Jake? would it work? he went into his camera app (hoping Jake gets the hint) and raised his phone to take a picture of himself, tilting his phone landscape as if he were taking a picture with a group. he made sure it was on flash and. there. he quickly scrambled to look at the picture he just took. there he was. a faint outline of his features, his smile, his eyes. and Rich nearly started crying. it is Jake. he's really here. Jake's really here.


End file.
